Now, I feel like I want to hold on for the sole reason of not forgetting the past. Sad thing is, I think I am forgetting it, slowly, but surely.. A part of me wants to, because I feel that if I never met someone like you who showed me a whole new world, litereally, then I wouldn't feel as bad because I wouldn't have lost anything. But, at the same time, I don't know if I'd be ok with knowing that I DID have a great past, only to have forgotten it..

Maybe this is supoosed to happen? I really want to say that I'm going to try my hardest to remember the past, but sometimes, when it hurts SO MUCH to remember, I'm just going to let myself forget it. Sad, but, I'd rather be happy.

I guess I should thank myself for all the pictures I've taken that'll remind me of those good times, but from time to time, I'm always THIS close to hitting the delete button and just erasing everything.. but I find it easier just to not look at them. That's not to say that I won't stumble onto them somehow, on facebook or whereever..

And, I hate how unfair I am.. because in all honesty, I wouldn't ever want you to forget our history. I'm sorry I've set this double standard. Good thing is, though, you don't have to follow the standard. I just hope you don't forget, and you'll always remember.. Or, at least remember Don't Change.

I'm aware that I need to stop setting these double standards. These past two weeks, actually, have really been an eye opener for me. It's lame, but I've been overanalytical in any, every, and all ways possible! I've been analyzing myself, bad habits, old habits, good and bad traits, etc. and I'm working on things to change. I guess that's the bad part because I really shouldn't analyze myself like that. Haha, but I've also been analyzing situations, my own as well as other people's and it's made me realize a shitload. I guess that's good AND bad. But, lastly, I've been analyzing the world around me! I never really appreciated some of the things that I took for granted in everyday life. Nature is beautiful, music is SO amazing, little good deeds make me and others happy, patience is so underrated, and spending quality time, or having TIME in general, even too much time, is always a good thing.

I want to say that you and your group of friends are all alike, but I'm really hoping that SOMEWHERE down the line, in the end, that you've learned, grown, and realized that your actions speak louder than words. I want to believe that you're different, but it's so hard to believe it right now.. And, sometimes, when I think back, I can't help but feel like you're the way you are now, because of me. I'm sorry.

SIGH. I'd have to say, this whole ordeal.. is the hardest thing I've ever been through so far. It's like the biggest obstable I've ever taken on, and it sucks because I know I'm not even close to 1/64 over this giant mountain. To be honest, I don't know what lesson I'm supposed to learn, what I'm supposed to gain or lose, and I don't even know if I'm going in the right direction.. I keep thinking, with every new day, every discovery, every revelation, every mistake learned from observing the mistakes of other, that I'm maturing a little more, but never in a million years did I ever think I'd know what I know now, learn what I've learned so far, or be in the situation I'm in now..

I love that you were one of the best things to have ever happened to me, but I hate that you just might be one of my biggest regrets.. Regardless, I still find you amazing.. just a little.

Live, laugh, love, proceed, and progress.

EDIT:
I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not as great as I thought I was. I wonder what you think now..

Wow, what a great state of mind I'm in right now. But, at the same time, the feeling's tainted because shit is just too difficult to deal with now.. I don't know, I guess I just REALLY miss you still. I wonder if you're happy. If not, you're not alone.. But, I hope you find your happiness.

So, whenever I look at you now, things are a little different, in an awkwardly bad sort of way. I never thought for even a millisecond before this day, that a day like this would actually happen to me.

I don't really have much to say except that I hope things are supposed to play out like this and that there really is a GOOD legit reason for why things are the way they are right now..

Oh, actually, I guess I dooo have a little more to say.. I want to write to you, hoping you'll understand and accept everything that I'll have to say.. but, I'm just scared that you won't and you won't feel the same way..

EH. I fell asleep last night trying to finish this blog, but whatever. EDIT.

So, looking back at last night. It was such a rough night. We acted like we REALLY didn't know eachother. Almost even to the point where it was like two strangers who HATED eachother.. It's pretty sad, and it had me second thinking if this was right. Everything. Because now, I feel like I'm going to regret this later on down the line..

I don't know what to do. I thought that I was strong by doing this, but maybe now, I'm some of it has to do with being scared.. scared that things really did change for you, and you're already happy. I guess I'm just scared to intrude on your life again and mess things up. I don't want that. Sigh. It's just REALLY tough. But, I'm SO thankful I have my girls. Things really would be shitty as hell if I didn't have them.

To my girls: Thanks, and I love you for loving me!

Note to self: Just keep swimming! There are plenty of other fish in the sea. :]

It's 2:50AM, and I don't think I should've drank a redbull earlier. :[

So.. the end of week two is nearing, fast. I'm a little taken aback at how things are turning out, and, quite frankly, I don't know if this is what should've happened or if it's doing either of us any good. I've been pretty occupied lately, though, so it hasn't been too bad, but when no one's around, that's when it starts to become almost unbearable and unreal. These past 2 weeks, full of freedom, allowed me to reconnect and connect with people, new and old. It's a buttload of fun, but I've been getting this feeling everyday that something's just.. missing, I guess. Today, or yesterday technically, was supposed to be something special. I really thought it would be, too. Honestly, I was even expecting a pleasant surprise, but no, nothing.. Guess it was my bad for reacting to you the way I did the night before. I admit, it was wrong of me, but I didn't know how else to react, given the way I was feeling about the situation at that moment. Sigh, I wanted to give in, like always, but I know if I did, things would be a whole lot worse. And, I'd possibly even regret it. That day's passed, so it's whatever now, I guess.

When no one's around, I find that the most random things come to mind. I've noticed that I think about the past quite often, but with each passing day, the reality of things just get a little teeny tiny bit easier to bear. I think about school pretty often, like when I'll be finished with classes/units, graduate, and get out. Other times, I'm thinking about SOPi, like when I'll pick up a lil sis, what's in store for our house/chapter in the upcoming semesters, etc. Majority of the time, though, I'm thinking about you, what you're doing, who you're with, how you are, etc., and with all of that, I'm just hoping that you're happy. And whether or not you even miss me. Just a little? Idk, I miss you quite a lot, though..

ANYWAY, besides the fact that today didn't turn out as I'd hoped, it was still pretty eventful. After class, I had a lunch date with my big bro, twin, and pledgedad. It felt great spending time with them. Broke some news to them, but I had no idea they would react the way they did. It was good and bad. I guess I underestimated how much they loved me. :] But, their reactions make a tough decision even more difficult. What to do, what to do? Idk.. But after lunch, just kicked it at the Phi Tau house for a little bit, and then it was straight to the library for study hours! Stayed there from 3:45PM-8:30PM! Felt accomplished leaving. After the library, Karen and I headed over to her place to wait for Sandra, who was coming all the way from SF. Met some new folks in front of her house. Talk about spontaneous, hahah! So, we made plans to go out and kick it with new friends once Sandra got to SJ, but they didn't fall through, unfortunately, so we just stayed at her place to hang out. Now I'm home, and it's currently 3:50AM. I think it was the redbull I drank earlier. That, or it's just one of those nights..

Well, I'm not sure when I'm heading to bed, but goodnight, world! :]